One of the first friends I remember having in my life is a girl named Jane. I was about 7 years old and I had always had a hard time connecting with friends; even though I really wanted to have some, it just didn’t come naturally. Jane was different. I met her at school and she invited me to go to her house to play. And when I invited her to my house, she came! I was completely thrilled to have a friend who wasn’t just nice to me because my mom was friends with her mom.

I had a pretty extensive collection of Barbie dolls and My Little Ponies, and Jane liked them. In fact, she told me that if I didn’t give her all of my Barbies, she’d tell our whole second grade class that when she spent the night at my house, I pooped in my pants. I hadn’t! I was pretty indignant and told her that maybe I’d tell everyone that she pooped her pants instead! She looked at me a little bit pityingly and told me, “No one would believe you. Everyone knows you’re retarded.” So I gave her my Barbie dolls. And my jelly bracelets. And a few of my My Little Ponies. And when we had sleepovers, I’d always go get her a glass of water or a cookie or whatever she wanted whenever she asked. I lived in fear of Jane for the three years that I was at that school, but I also kept inviting her over. Because, yay! I had a friend!

Here’s why. As a person on the Autism spectrum, I learned from a fairly early age that my impulses regarding social interaction were wrong, wrong, wrong. Mostly, that is correct; I have a very hard time properly gauging another person’s behavior and responding properly. It just seemed to me that I was probably misinterpreting Jane’s behavior as mean and manipulative, when really she was being nice to me. Of course, at age 7, I didn’t think it through in those terms, but that’s the gist. I cried a lot after she left, though. She took my blue Pegasus My Little Pony, and I really loved that one.

I’m writing about this because I feel it’s very important for parents of kids with Autism to monitor their children’s friendships. My mom knew that Jane was sometimes mean to me, but honestly, she didn’t know the half of it. And she didn’t know to ask, which is in no way her fault. A person with high-functioning Autism, especially one who has had effective therapy, knows that they have skewed natural impulses with relationships. It makes us extremely vulnerable to abuse. Not so much physical abuse (most people know that hitting is bad), but emotional abuse can so easily be pushed aside or misinterpreted.

I wish I could say that this gets better with age, or that I’ve figured out a way around it, but the truth is, I haven’t. I still let people jerk me around way past the point at which it makes sense to cut them off. This is probably because I don’t want to risk getting angry with someone when it might just be my own unconventional way of processing social interactions that makes me interpret their behavior negatively.

Also, I don’t know what it is, but there seem to be some people who have some kind of horrible radar that allows them to pick out the people who will be tolerant of manipulation. I’ve had a great many close friendships, and even romantic relationships, with people who treated me like absolute dirt. I put up with it because I’m never sure if they are actually being mean or if I am seeing things through my Autism lens and being unfair. I’m not sure these manipulators do it intentionally; after all, Jane was also 7 years old and probably didn’t have some sinister plan for me.

So parents… Ask your kids about their friends. If they’re being overly generous with their time or their possessions, ask why. It’s not necessarily because they’re being emotionally manipulated, but if it is, make sure you say, “THAT IS NOT OKAY.” The most helpful thing for someone in that situation, child or adult, is to hear from someone they trust that the way they’re being treated is actually bad. I can only really speak for myself here, but a lot of the time, I just can’t tell. Hearing it from someone else can sometimes make all the difference.

I dated a guy for three years who was incredibly mean to me at every available opportunity, and I blamed myself. When we finally broke up, most of my other friends and family said, “Oh, thank goodness. He treated you terribly.” While it felt good to have my perception of our relationship validated, part of me was wondering, “Where were you guys when I was actually going through that? Why didn’t anyone say anything?” So, if your child is not being treated well by a friend, please say something. This probably applies to people you know who are not on the spectrum as well.

I do like to end on a positive note, so here it is. I have made some wonderful friends in my life, and I’m incredibly grateful for them. My best friend was a roommate in college and over a decade later, we still text message or call each other regularly to chat about what’s going on in our lives. I don’t know what I’d do without her friendship and support. Not everyone sucks; you just have to watch out for the ones that do, because people who have learned to not trust their social instincts can very easily be abused without even knowing it.
This article is part of the Faking Normal series written by an adult with Autism who hopes to demystify Autism and help readers understand themselves or their children better.  If you have questions or topic requests for J, please email her at jblog@washingtonautismadvocacy.org.